Third Time's A Charm
by xThePassionateWriterx
Summary: It's been months since their last hook-up. Both decided to move on with their lives as best as they could, but somehow they always come back to each other. Maybe this time they can get things right. Maybe.
1. Chapter 1

**Another story, yay. I'm not Dick so I own nothing. I kind of know where I want to take this story, but ideas are welcomed. Enjoy!**

* * *

"Feels like deja vu." Olivia commented as she put her clothes back on. It had been three months since they broken up. They quickly fell back into their old ways, which included hot sex anytime with no strings attached.

Brian sat up. He was lucky that no one had bought his old apartment, and he was able to move back in it. He sighed. "I can't keep doing this."

Olivia licked her lips and knew exactly what he was talking about. "Neither can I. We've been better at letting our feelings show in the bedroom than actually talking about it, and that's where we went wrong."

"Then why don't we fix it, Liv? We love each other, right?"

"You know I do, Bri." She sat on the bed. "I know you think I don't trust you because I haven't told you about what Lewis did to me, but I've shown you other ways that I trust you."

"How?"

"The fact that I'm having sex with you after what he did to me. I trust you enough not to hurt me. The fact that you're the _only_ man, and probably the last man, I've pleasured orally in the last six years. So don't tell me I don't trust you." Olivia mentally kicked herself when she realized what she said. She didn't want to tell him about Lewis, and she damn sure didn't want to talk to him about Lowell.

"What are you talking about, Olivia? You never have a problem with oral back in the day." He had to admit, whenever she went down on him, he was nothing less than pleased.

She stood up and shook her head. "Forget it. I'm going to go. Text me if you need anything."

"Oh no you don't, Olivia." Brian quickly jumped out of bed and grabbed her arm. He spun her around. "You want us to work, you have to talk to me."

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. "Bri, please."

He rolled his eyes. "Don't Bri, please me. You do this all the time. You quickly shut me down and out. It's like you're purposely pushing me away. You must want to be alone for the rest of your life, because I swear to God no one would have put up with this for as long as I did."

Olivia scoffed. "And you think you're the easiest person to put up with? Screw you, Brian."

"I bet you would love to do that so you can avoid talking about this. You said we never communicated when we were together, but anytime I wanted to talk about something, you would immediately shut me down and/or seduce me."

"Because you always want to talk about the worst things that have happened to me! You think I want to fucking relive it when I'm trying to move on and forget it? Stop thinking about yourself for once and think about what it'll do to _me_ when I have to reopen the wounds of traumatic events so you think I trust you. How is that even fair? It isn't." She spat.

"I want to help you, Olivia! You keep everything bottled up and instead of talking to me you go drink. Am I really that horrible to talk to about your feelings? I'm no shrink, and I know I'm not the smartest person alive, but I know I give a shit about you."

She bit her lips to bite back the tears. She didn't know why she did what she did, but she couldn't help herself. Maybe because she grew up seeing that drinking was a way to get away from your problems for awhile. She knew Brian cared and would listen to her, but yet she still distanced herself from him. "Bri.."

He held his hand up. "But I can't help someone that doesn't want to be helped. When you want to _talk_, you can call me. This," He pointed between the two of them. "is over for good."

Olivia sighed and sat back on the bed. "If you wanna know so badly, I'll tell you. Just don't stop me." She already felt the tears start to fall and her body overwhelmed with emotions. "I'll start with Lowell. I was undercover..."

...

An hour later, Brian knew all about Lowell and Lewis. Olivia was right, the images do stay in your head. He wanted to castrate them both and then kill them.

It was quiet in the room besides the sound of Olivia crying. She had to pause a few times because she literally choked on her emotions. She had to admit, it felt good to let it all out. Besides Fin, no one knew what really happened in the basement. She finally pulled away from Brian's embrace and saw her smudged makeup on his chest. "Sorry." She whispered as she wiped her face.

He looked down and shrugged his shoulders. "That's the least of my worries right now." He grabbed her hand and kissed her knuckles lightly. "I knew you were a strong person because you're Olivia Benson, but the more I find out about you, the more I find out where all this strength comes from. I mean, ask anybody on the NYPD why they decided to be a cop, and they'll say to get bad guys off the street, but you.."

"I want to get justice for the victims and help the survivors heal." She said bashfully as she saw Brian's point.

"I know how hard that was for you to tell me, and I'm so glad you did. I wish I didn't have to practically twist your arm for information, but thank you."

"You have to understand this isn't easy to do. It's an emotional rollercoaster to tell your story over and over. I feel like a hypocrite because I tell the survivors I work with all this great advice about moving on and healing, and I can't even follow it myself."

"It's easier said than done." He said as he rubbed his hand up and down her arm.

"Yeah." She sighed. "That was harder than I thought."

"I never said it was easy, but you're making it harder on yourself by holding it in. This was our first real relationship, and we tried, but Liv, you're the only one I want to mess up with."

"Oh, now you want to grow old with me? Brian, I love you, more than I ever loved anyone, but I want kids and to be married, and you don't want that. As much as I love you, I can't sacrifice my happiness for you."

He sighed. Marriage and children were two topics that were rarely spoken about. Hell, they never talked about kids until she took a pregnancy test and it came out negative. It never dawned on him that Olivia still wanted her happily ever after until their break-up, and it was too late then. "I was stupid."

"Ha." She chuckled. "You can say that again."

"Liv, I'm serious. I'm lucky you even gave me a second chance because I know there are men lined up that would happily take my place, but for some reason you wanted me. Why?"

"I knew you. At first, I didn't think anything serious of the hooking up, but I realized my age, and the fact that I was still just hooking up with people was pretty sad. I said to hell with it and see where this would take me. I had no intention of falling in love with you, but I did. I don't regret it, because you made me happy, but after almost two years, the only major step we made in our relationship was moving in together, and Lewis kind of helped with that. Like you said, hooking up with each other was so much easier." Her last sentence tasted like poison as it rolled off her tongue.

"You know I didn't.."

She nodded. "You didn't mean it like that. I know. You're just a no strings attached person, but I'm not. If you don't want a future with me, that includes kids and marriage, then as bad as it sounds, we're going to have to forgive, forget, and move on."

* * *

Olivia was sitting on the couch flipping through the channels. Noah had finally fell asleep after waking up for the third time in two hours. He was beginning to teethe, so he was crankier than usual. She had him for a month, and she couldn't be happier. After the Lewis ordeal, this was the glimmer of hope that she needed.

There was a knock at the door that startled her. She looked down at her watch and saw that it was a little past 11. She got up and sighed. Maybe someone had the wrong apartment. She look through the peephole and felt her heart drop ten floors. It felt like her body was paralyzed. It had been well over six months since the last time she seen Brian.

"I know you're on the other side of the door, Liv. I want to talk."

She snapped out her reverie and took a deep breath. She hoped she wouldn't regret doing this. She opened the door slowly. "Long time no see." She said dryly. "Or talk."

"Yeah, well, being undercover kinda helped with that." He ran his hands through his hair nervously. "Can I come in?"

"Sure." She moved over so he could come in.

He walked in and immediately noticed all the baby things around the apartment. The swing, playpen, random bottles on the counter, and a car seat next to the door. He turned around and looked at Olivia with the question written on his face.

"No." She answered reading the expression. "I'm Baby Doe, well Noah's foster mom."

Brian physically relaxed and then smiled. He was genuinely happy for her. Being a mother was something that she always wanted, and he was glad she finally had that opportunity even if it wasn't with him. "I'm happy for you, Liv. You deserve it."

"Thank you." She crossed her arms. "So you wanted to talk?"

He chuckled nervously. "Uh, yeah." He sat on the arm of the couch. "I heard about Lewis when I got back. I'm sorry, and I wish I was here for you. Even just as a friend."

She shifted her weight uncomfortably. Those were still healing wounds and she didn't want to talk about them now. "Ironically, our last conversation was about him too. It would have been nice to have you there, but I'm coping."

"You don't have to do it alone." He whispered softly.

"Well, having Noah kind of helps. When I'm having a bad day, I just look in those brown eyes and pinch his cheeks, and I'm okay." Her heart warmed just thinking about all the happiness Noah had brought her in just the short time she had him. She looked over at him. "And Brian, I'm okay."

"I know you're not, Liv."

"And how are you going to tell me how I feel?" She suddenly felt the tension between them rise in the room. "Last time I noticed, you haven't been around. I'm doing fine without you."

"I never had no doubt that you wouldn't, but I'm not doing _fine_ without you." He weakly admitted. "I've purposely been asking for undercover cases so I wouldn't have time to dwell about our break-up. I lost the one good thing that ever happened to me because of my fears."

"We both were at fault, but we can't change the past." She knew what he was hinting at, and she didn't know if she was ready to go down that path again.

"But we can start building our future. I talked to my mom, and I realized that I've always wanted kids. Do I think I'm ready? No, but who really is 100 percent ready for parenthood? If I want anyone to nag me at 80 years old, it's you. Olivia, I love you and I'm willing to make this work between us if you just give me a chance."

She was silent, but her thoughts were loud. Brian was the only man that she truly loved, and she wanted nothing more than to grow old with him, but she couldn't stand another heartbreak. She also had Noah and had to think about how this would affect him too. "I can't just jump back into a relationship with you."

"Fine. We can start over. I don't have to move in, we don't have to see each other everyday, either. I'll take you out on dates and make you fall in love with me again. They say third time's a charm." He shot her a friendly smile hoping he was convincing her into trying their luck at a relationship one more time.

"But Noah..."

"I know he comes first, and I'm okay with that.I won't meet him until you're ready. I get it, Liv. A lot has changed in your life the last seven months."

"Are you really ready for this?"

"As long as you allow me in and not _after_ a breakup, yes.

"I need to think about this. Just give me a few days."

He stood up. "I understand. There's no pressure or rush." He let out a sigh of relief. "I'm just glad to get that off of my chest."

It was a silence between them. Not awkward, but not the comfortable silence they once were used to. However, Noah's cries broke the silence.

"Sorry." Olivia said before she rushed down the hall.

"It's fine." Brian said after her. "I'll just let myself out." He said quietly to himself. He was happy that she was thinking about giving this another go, but he couldn't help but to feel defeated because it seemed as if Olivia didn't feel the same way about him anymore. He walked into the kitchen and wrote on a note on the notepad like he had done dozens of times during their relationship.

_I want to take you out some time. I know your hands are full with Noah, but I'm willing to wait. _

_-Love, Brian_


	2. First Date

**I finally wrote and finish something. I hope you guys are still even reading this. I'll try to update my other stories soon.**

* * *

Noah sat in the middle of the bed chewing on a teething ring while Olivia was putting on her shoes. "Do you like mommy's outfit?"

He giggled then reached out to Olivia to signal that he wanted to be picked up.

She picked him up. "You can't get mommy dirty tonight. I have a date." Olivia couldn't even believe that she agreed to go out with Brian, but there was a part of her that still was head over heels for him. They had also talked a few times during the week when she had free time, and she was slowly remembering why she was, well still is, in love with him.

She had to admit that she was a little nervous. Tonight could go really wrong or really right. She hoped that they could fall back into their old ways.

A knock at the door brought her out of her thoughts. "Let's hope that's Jenna." She walked out her bedroom and rushed to the front door. "Coming!" She opened the door to reveal Brian. "Oh, hey. Um, you're early?" She asked. Lately, she's been losing track of time since she got Noah.

"Uh.." He looked at his watch. "No. I'm actually late." He said with his eyes on Noah.

She chuckled nervously. "Oh, come in. I'm just waiting on the sitter." She moved over so he could walk in. "Uh, this is Noah." She said looking at the infant, who had his eyes fixed on Brian.

"You have a future heartbreaker on your hands." Brian joked then realized he shouldn't have said that after he realized the situation they were in.

"Ha. Yeah." She moved Noah to other hip as he seemed to get restless. "You can take a seat. I'm going to get him a bottle." She walked towards the kitchen. "How's Tucker?" She asked trying to make casual conversation.

Brian sat on the couch and sighed. "Still the same jerk. Surprised he let me go today."

"You should have told him you had a date with his favorite detective." She joked. As much hell Tucker had put both of them through during their careers, he had always had a soft spot for their relationship.

Brian chuckled. "You definitely are on the list of people he hates the least."

Olivia sat next to him on the couch, but leaving a little room between them. She started to feed Noah, who hadn't taken his eyes off Brian since he walked into the apartment. "Sorry about the wait. Jenna usually isn't late."

"It's fine, Liv. He's a cutie anyways." He said as he tickled Noah's feet, gaining a smile from the little boy. He looked up at Olivia and could see she was still unsure about everything. "Honestly, Liv, it's not a big deal. He's the number one guy in your life. I got it. Your schedule revolves around him. Relax." He reached out and gently touched her hand.

Even though it was a small gesture, it still meant a lot to Olivia. She simply nodded her head and looked down at Noah, who was holding his own bottle. She noticed that Brian hadn't moved her hand and she didn't have a problem with it either.

A knock at the doctor interrupted the intimate moment.

Olivia cleared her throat. "That's Jenna. I'll get it."

Brian got up before her. "No, sit. I got it." He walked towards the door and opened it.

Jenna was a little surprised to see Brian to open the door. "You must be Brian." She said as she walked in. "I've heard a lot about you."

"Jenna!" Olivia said slightly embarrassed.

"Whoops. Sorry that I'm late. There's a huge accident that has traffic backed up for blocks. I had to get out my taxi and just walk." She walked over to Olivia and gently grabbed Noah out her arms. "Now you two go have fun. You can stay out as long as you like."

Olivia stood up, looked down at her dress and groaned. "I have to change, Bri. He got me dirty. It'll take a couple of minutes."

Brian's face lit up at hearing his nickname. "Sure. Take your time."

She rushed off to her room to change leaving Brian alone with Jenna.

Jenna was burping Noah. "She seriously hasn't stopped talking about you since you stopped by. I know I'm just the babysitter, but I'm here so much, that I'm kind of her friend too. Don't screw up for a third time because she still has feelings for you." She grabbed the remote and turned on the tv. "But you didn't hear any of this from me."

Brian nodded as he processed all the information. It was a relief that he was still on Olivia's mind. It gave his confidence a well-needed boost. "Thank you, but I definitely learned my lesson. I refuse to let her go again."

"Good, plus she has no life. Seriously, you guys stay out as long you want. I won't charge extra. She needs a break from just working and being a mom. I don't even care if you guys don't come back here tonight. Make sure the night is stress-free."

Before Brian could reply, Olivia walked back into the living room with Brian's favorite dress on. It was a simple peach colored cocktail dress that hugged her curves tightly and made her tan skin pop. "Okay, I'm ready."

Brian looked up and her and was speechless. His mind was filled with memories of him yanking that dress off of her body multiple times. "Whoa, you look, whoa." He stuttered as he looked her up and down. "Wow."

"Well isn't your mom looking hot tonight?" Jenna said jokingly to Noah.

Olivia blushed at the compliments. "Well, thank you guys. I guess it was meant for me to wear this dress tonight."

Brian soon remembered he was going to have a hard time trying to take this slow, but he wanted Olivia back in his life and was willing to do whatever it took. "You look really beautiful, Liv." He said finally looking her in the eye.

"Thank you." Olivia softly smiled. "I guess we can go now." She walked over to where Jenna was sitting and squatted so she was eye to eye with Noah. "Mommy will miss you." She kissed his forehead. "I love you." She stood up. "I won't be home any later than 11."

"Olivia, leave. I don't care what time you come back. Just have fun. Noah and I will be fine." Jenna shooed Olivia away.

Olivia smirked. "Okay, but I will be calling."

Jenna looked at Brian. "Don't let her call me more than twice.

"I'll confiscate her phone after the second call." He joked.

"I do not appreciate being double-teamed. I can decide not to go on this date and find a new babysitter."

Jenna shook her head and smiled. "Bye, guys."

* * *

"Noah is the perfect little boy. I see why you fell in love with him." Brian said.

Olivia smiled. "He is. I never knew I had so much love to give until I got him."

"Yeah, so tell me about that." He paused. "I mean if you want. You don't have to tell me anything." Brian suddenly grew nervous around her. He didn't want to mess up this date. He knew Olivia could do better than him, and that scared the hell out of him.

Olivia could sense his nervousness and it made her a little happy to know that he was trying so hard to make this work. "It's okay. Well, long story short, we found his mom, but a couple days later she was found burnt to a crisp, and they didn't want to put him in another foster home. The judge noticed that I had been the only constant person in Noah's life and I became a foster mother, but I've already started the adoption papers for when the year is up. If no other family members step forward, and they think I'm good enough to be a mother, he's permanently mine. I don't want to get my hopes up, though."

"I have no doubt in my mind that you won't be able to keep him. Even a blind man can see how much you love him. You were born to be a mom, Liv. I can see you're doubting yourself, and you need to stop."

Sometimes Olivia loved that Brian knew her better than she knew herself, and this was one of the times. She missed this in their relationship where she could tell him how she was truly feeling and was able to get feedback. "Sometimes. It's been a huge adjustment, but I love every minute of motherhood. It's just that I always told myself that I would raise my children in the opposite environment that I was raised in, but I didn't break the cycle." She shrugged her shoulders and took a sip of her wine. "But all parents doubt themselves every once in awhile, right?"

"Liv, you know you're a better mother than your mom, stop it."

"I never said I wasn't, I just prefer to raise a child in a two-parent home, especially after Noah has went through. I know he won't remember much, but I still want to give him the best childhood." She said with a change of tone.

Brina detected the tone change and changed the subject. "How is everyone at the squad doing?"

She cleared her throat. "Well, Fin is Fin, there's rumors going around that Nick and Amanda have something going on.."

"And what do you think?"

She smirked. "They are definitely screwing each other."

"Ha! I wouldn't be surprised, though. As Captain, what do you have to say about that?"

"Well, as soon as I notice it affecting their job performance, I'll say something, but right now we can let them keep thinking that no one notices all the looks, and how their fighting goes from 0-100 just like that." She snapped her fingers to show how quickly they get upset at each other.

"Reminds me of a certain young couple sixteen years ago." He smirked. "Is Nick looking up words to impress Amanda?"

Olivia slightly blushed at the memory and chuckled. "Who knows? Probably."

"Fledgling. I will never forget that word. It means more to me than just immature, inexperienced, or underdeveloped."

"I can't believe you still remember." She said through her laughter.

"How can I forget? Fledgling is like our always."

"Didn't know you were a John Green fan." Olivia said with a raised eyebrow.

He shrugged. "My niece made me take her to go see it. I couldn't say no."

She took a sip of her wine. "You've always had a soft spot for kids."

"Kids and a certain Sergeant." He said trying to continue the flirting between them.

Olivia raised an eyebrow. "Who is this Sergeant that you speak of?"

"Well, she's pretty badass, yet very caring at the same time. She's the most beautiful woman in the world, and very, very sexy. I'm actually very lucky she even agreed to let me take her out to dinner tonight."

Being that it was Brian saying all these things and she was comfortable with him, she didn't even try to hide the blush that was creeping up on her cheeks. "Still the same smooth talker."

"With you?" He flashed her his famous smirk. "Always."

"If I didn't know any better, I would think you were trying to seduce me."

"Let's break the cycle of screwing each other on the first date. It never seems to end well." He joked.

"In our defense, there was a lot of alcohol involved." Olivia chuckled and started going down memory lane.

"I agree. Let's stick to water tonight." Brian said jokingly.

* * *

"Thanks for making me come tonight. I had fun." She genuinely meant what she said. It had been so long since she let herself be this happy with Brian. Towards the end of their relationship, she felt like every interaction between them was forced. However, tonight was different.

"Hey, no problem. I enjoyed being in the company of a beautiful woman instead of Tucker."

Olivia dipped her head a little and laughed softly. "You never stop with the jokes."

"Nope, because my reward is your smile." He said as he placed his finger under her chin so he could look into her eyes. "Very beautiful may I add."

She blushed for the umpteenth time that night. Brian was true romantic that never failed to make her feel like the only woman in the world. She wouldn't be lying if she secretly hoped everything would work out between this time, because she did miss how he made her feel in the beginning of their relationship. "Thank you."

"You're welcome." He said before he pressed his lips to hers. His hand moved from beneath her chin to cup the side of her face.

Olivia moved her hands to his hips and brought him closer to her as her tongue parted his lips. She didn't expect all her feelings for him to be rushing back like this, but they were, and she missed him terribly.

Brian knew they both needed to go slow, to make sure they weren't just acting on sexual feelings. However, he didn't want this moment to end because they haven't been like this for months. Even before the breakup.

They parted when breathing was necessary, and they both had grins on their faces.

"Thank you for allowing me to take you out tonight. I hope it can happen again." He said in a wishful tone.

"I have to talk to Noah, but I'm sure I can make some time for you." She smirked.

"Aha. Well, you just give me a day that you're free, and I'll be here." He kissed her forehead. "Give Noah a kiss for me and tell him I said goodnight."

Olivia smiled at the mention of Noah, and loved that Brian really understood that her life has changed now that she had Noah. "I will. Can you call me when you make it home?" She shrugged nervously, and she didn't know why. It was Brian. "Just so I know I won't have to send a search party after you."

"I don't want you to worry, so yes I will. Goodnight, Liv." He walked away.

Olivia unlocked the door and walked into her apartment with a huge smile on her face.

"Well, someone had a fun night, but you're home early." Jenna whispered as she was walking around the apartment, bouncing Noah in her arms so he could go to sleep.

"I did, but I missed my favorite person in the world." She said as she took off her coat and shoes.

"Liv, I'm honored, but you didn't have to rush home to see me." Jenna smirked as she put Noah in Olivia's waiting arms. "When's the next date?"

Olivia laughed at the joke. "I don't know. I have to check my schedule."

"Just let me know. I'll get going." She kissed Noah's forehead. "Night, guys." Jenna grabbed her things and left.

Olivia walked into Noah's room and laid him down in his crib. "Love you little guy." She kissed his forehead, walked out the room and closed the door behind her.

―

Olivia was lying on the couch, flipping through the channels as she sipped a glass of wine when her phone buzzed. She smiled when she saw Brian's name.

_I'm home. Had to stop by the store to get my mom something. Hope I didn't wake you._

She had always loved that Brian was still a little momma's boy, but not enough to become a problem.

_I almost sent the search party. Don't worry, I'm nowhere near falling asleep._

Her phone buzzed no more than a minute later.

_Aha. Sorry about that. Don't stay up too late. You have a son that's going to be up in a few hours. _

_You're right, but you have a boss that's probably going to make you come in early because of your date, so you should probably be getting some sleep soon. _

_Touché. I guess I should get to bed. Love you, Liv. Goodnight. _

The last part of the text surprised Olivia, but she knew his feelings didn't just disappear. She didn't expect him to say it after their "first date", but it was nice to know she still had his heart. She debated how to reply, and she knew he was waiting nervously on her reply because he didn't want to ruin this.

_Love you too, Bri. Night._

* * *

**Reviews would be nice, here or on twitter QueenSergeant**


	3. Secrets

**Two updates in two days? Don't expect anymore for another six months. Jk...maybe. anyways, here's your long awaited chapter**

* * *

"I can't believe I convinced you to take me a baseball game, and _your_ team lost." She chuckled as her and Brian walked up to her door.

"Listen, I didn't promise a win, I promised a good time."

She sighed with a smile on her face as she stopped in front of her door. "Well, I did have a good time. Seeing you get so emotionally invested into a game is really entertaining." She smirked.

"Why is my pain your pleasure?" He asked with a fake pout.

She laughed as she stepped towards him. "Because who can resist a man pouting for well over three hours?" She asked before she kissed him with a smile on her face.

Over the past few weeks, Olivia and Brian had fallen back into their old ways. They were their happiest when they were around each other. Brian understood that her being a mother changed a lot of things, and Olivia wasn't taking advantage of his understanding. Any free time they had, they would spend it with each other, with or without Noah.

Secretly, Olivia loved sometimes bringing Noah along with them because it felt like they were a little family, and that's all she ever wanted, especially for Noah.

Brian pulled away and cupped her cheek. "You're so beautiful."

Olivia blushed and looked down at the ground. "Thank you." She looked him back into the eyes. "Nightcap? It's already almost midnight, and I would just feel better if you weren't out this late."

"Benson, if you want to get in my pants, you could have just asked." He smirked.

She raised an eyebrow. "Trust me, if I wanted to get in your pants, I would already be in them." She said as she pulled him closer by his belt loop.

Both of them would be lying to themselves if they said sex wasn't on their minds, but they knew they had to focus on their relationship emotionally before it could ever get physical again. However, that didn't stop them from constantly teasing each other.

"You're not playing fair, Olivia." He said in a breathy voice. Olivia could hold out longer than Brian, and she used it to her advantage plenty of times.

"I'm just looking out for you, but if you want to walk home in the dark, be my guest."

"Open the door." He said in a low voice.

She smirked and turned around to unlock the door. She expected to see Jenna on the couch watching TV, and Noah would be in his bed sleeping, but no.

Noah was crawling around and under the table while Jenna was crawling next to him the best she could. Her head shot up when she heard the door.

"This kid does not sleep." Jenna said as she picked up Noah.

Noah giggled and kicked his little legs to signal he wanted to be put down.

"Nor does he stop moving. What did you feed him before I got here, spoonfuls of sugar?" She handed him over to Olivia, who had a huge smile on her face.

"Well, someone made Jenna work for her money tonight instead of just sleeping and eating." Olivia joked.

Noah, who never paid attention to anyone else if Brian was in the room tried his best to get to him. He started gurgling and leaning towards him.

Olivia looked at where Noah was looking and smiled. "I think he likes you more than he likes me. You want him?"

"Can you blame him?" Brian smirked and grabbed Noah from Olivia.

"I guess I'll get going." Jenna said.

"Oh, no. You're taking the couch. It's after midnight."

Jenna shook her head. "Liv, I'm a big girl."

"Don't even argue with her. She's making me stay here too."

Jenna smirked. "Well, if Brian is staying, then I _really_ should be going."

"Jenna!" Olivia's cheeks immediately turned red. "None of _that_ is happening." Jenna didn't have a filter, and sometimes Olivia loved it, but times like this made things awkward. Situations like this made Olivia feel like she had two children.

Brian awkwardly laughed and blushed a little.

"Sorry, mom." She laughed. "I'll sleep on the couch with my headphones in just in case you change your mind." She knew if Noah wasn't in the room, Olivia would be saying some things to her and/or her life would be in danger.

"If Noah didn't like you so much, I would be looking for a new sitter. Now go to bed, _child._" Olivia said mocking her.

"It's also because you love me. Goodnight." She blew the three of them a kiss as they left the room.

"I'm so sorry about that." Olivia said as they made their way to the nursery. "She's usually not so blunt."

"It's no big deal, Liv. She reminds me of my little sister." He smiled as he laid Noah on the changing table. "Is it okay if I get him ready for bed?"

"Uh, sure why not." Olivia said a little awkwardly. She loved that Brian was stepping up to the plate to help her out with Noah, and God was it less stressful to have him around, but she didn't want either one of them to get comfortable with the situation because she was still unsure about their relationship.

"I won't if you don't want me to." Brian sensed the hesitation in her voice, and it was understandable.

"No, Bri, it's fine. I'm glad he's warming up to you." She said with a convincing smile.

He nodded and went to changing Noah's diaper.

Olivia stood at the door leaning on the frame as she watched Brian interact with her son. She never thought she would see this sight. Of course she imagined it, but it was always with their son.

She felt little butterflies in her stomach as she watched Brian walk around the small room to try to get Noah asleep. It was something about a man and a baby. She chuckled out loud at the thought.

"What's so funny?" Brian whispered.

"Oh, nothing. Just something about a man and a baby."

He smirked. "We are pretty good looking." He said as a statement with slight cockiness in his voice.

"Noah? Yes." She started walking towards them. "You? A little rough around the edges." She said as she gently rubbed Noah's head.

"You're a liar." He smirked before he kissed her forehead. "A very bad one at that."

"Shhh. He's sleep." She pointed to Noah and smiled. "Love you my angel." She kissed Noah's forehead. "You can put him down and then meet me in the bedroom." She slightly smirked before she walked out the room.

Brian shook his head at the brunette beauty and laid Noah down gently. "Night, kiddo." He quietly walked out the bedroom. He left the door open because he didn't know rather Olivia liked Noah to sleep with the door open or closed.

He knew Olivia wasn't going to go very far with a full house, but her constant teasing had him needing a release very soon. He walked in to see Olivia taking off her shirt. "Jesus." He said in a low groan.

"Close the door and come here." She said lustfully.

Brian did as he was told and had his lips all over Olivia's in seconds.

She moaned into the kiss and wrapped her arms around his shoulders. God, she missed this, him. She knew they weren't going to go far tonight, plus she had work tomorrow, but she didn't care. His touch, his lips, and his presence was the only thing she could think about right now.

Brian pulled away breathing heavily. "How far are we going tonight?"

Olivia was surprised, but appreciative at him asking the question. "Not _that_ far."

He smirked. "That's a very vague answer:" He moved his hands from her waist to cup her breasts. "Can I do this?" He whispered.

Olivia's breath hitched and her body tensed. The last person to touch her like this was Lewis. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes. She had to remind herself that it was Brian and she trusted him. "Yeah." She opened her eyes.

Brian noticed her reaction, but brushed it off, and made a mental note to ask her about that later. "What about this?" He asked as his lips found the spot right behind her ear.

"God, yes." She moaned out, but tried to be quiet because of Noah and Jenna. Any thought of Lewis flew out the window.

He chuckled against her skin and squeezed her breasts. She hadn't changed at bit when it came to sex. He knew all the spots that would forever make her weak. He picked her up and laid her on the bed. The good thing about knowing each other so well was that he knew he could make her have an orgasm without doing much.

He hovered over over her. "Can I take the bra off?"

Olivia nodded before she sat up a little to allow him to unhook her bra. She laid back down as Brian hovered over her.

"So beautiful." He said as his hand moved down her body. He was thankfully that she decided to wear jeggings because of the thinner material.

His hand landed in between her legs and started to rub her gently at first but applied more pressure when he heard her moan out the demand.

"Bri, oh. I can't.." She huffed out and closed her eyes. If he kept this up, she would not be able to be quiet. She didn't know why she was so turned on right now, but she didn't care.

"Grab the pillow, baby." He said before he started tugging the jeggings down her long legs. He groaned when he saw she had on lace thong. "Oh, you're killing me." His mouth dropped to her lace covered mound and her hips bucked into his face.

Olivia bit down on the pillow as she watched him leave kisses all over her. He was barely doing anything and she felt the familiar feeling in the pit of her stomach.

He lifted his head, smirking. "Can I take them off?"

"If you didn't, I was." She said lustfully.

He smiled before he pulled the thin material down her legs and groaned when he could see how wet she was. He decided he was going to tease her a little. "Can I?"

"Brian." She said frustrated. He knew damn well what he could and couldn't do.

"Just asking, sweetheart." He said before his mouth covered her mound. He took one lick of her slit and felt like he was home.

Olivia already was so close and she hated that he had this kind of power over her. "More." She groaned out. She was not good at being quiet at all.

Brian moved his mouth to her clit and inserted two fingers into her. Jesus, he missed this. This wasn't just sex like how the last month of their relationship was. There was feelings and emotions involved.

Olivia's mouth dropped opened and her back arched off the bed. This was it. He was hitting all her spots and she couldn't hold on any longer. Her hips started rolling to meet his thrusts and to keep him closer. She put the pillow back in her mouth and her breathing started to speed up as his thrusts sped up. She was mumbling his name over and over like a mantra as she felt her climax building.

Brian looked up at her and instantly regretted it. He had always been secretly in love with watching her have an orgasm, and she never failed to show how good he was making her feel over her face. He felt his member twitch a little. He sucked on her clit a little harder and even let his teeth scrape against it gently every now and then.

The more intense sensation caused Olivia to scream loudly into the pillow, and Brian couldn't help but to have a smug smile on her face as he lifted his head. He snatched the pillow from her grasp and immediately claimed her lips.

Going this far was not where Olivia had originally planned, but God did it feel good. She wrapped her arms around his shoulders and groaned when she tasted herself, which is something that she secretly loved. She felt him pressed against her thigh and felt a pang of guilt. He was fully clothed and aroused, and she was fully naked coming down from an orgasm. She pulled away. "I have to take care of you now."

"No, Liv. Tonight was all about you. I'll be fine." Brian couldn't lie. He wanted nothing more than to have Olivia pleasure him in one way or another, but he didn't want her to feel like she had to do this.

"Brian."

"Olivia."

She rolled her eyes. "If you're just going to go in the bathroom and masturbate, then at least let me help you." She said as her hand begun to move down his body.

Brian closed his eyes and gulped hard. He was slowly losing more and more control as she got closer to where he needed her most.

Olivia knew she had him right where she wanted him. She took advantage of him being weak and pushed him on his back. She turned on her side and continued to rub him through his pants.

"Liv." He said in a warning tone.

"Don't like to be teased I see." She smirked before she lowered her mouth to his crotch. She left kisses on his hard member through his now tighter jeans.

He started to squirm under her, and now it was Olivia's turn to have a smug smile across her face.

"I'm going to explode in my pants if you keep this up."

She sat up. "Fine. I guess I can play good cop tonight." She unbuckled his pants and tugged them down a little and let Brian pull them down the rest of the way. "So ready for me." She said in a low voice.

Now it was Brian's turn to hate how easily he could get turned on by Olivia. "You're going to kill me."

Olivia smirked. "That's the point." She said as she pulled his penis out of his underwear. "How do you want it?" She smirked while she begun to stroke him slowly.

"Whatever you're comfortable with." He said with all seriousness in his voice.

Olivia detected his tone, stopped stroking him, and looked up at him. "Bri, I'm comfortable with you. I trust you."

"You flinched earlier."

She sighed. She had thought that she hid it, but apparently not. "Because Lewis was the last man that touched me, especially like that. After that, I didn't think about it again."

"Liv, I don't want you to do this if you don't want to."

"Well, now you killed the mood." She said with a frustrated sigh as she got out of the bed to recover her clothes.

"You're doing it again." Brian said as he fixed himself.

"Listen, Brian, I would have been more than comfortable with doing that for you, because believe it or not, I trust you. When I flinched, it was an initial reaction. It did bring me back to when I was with Lewis, but I remembered I was with you. You're here, not him. I trust you. I was able to physically, mentally, and emotionally relax afterwards because I knew I was in good hands. What more do you want from me?" She said in a semi-defeated voice. She was trusting him more than ever, and it still seemed like it wasn't good enough for him.

"Hey, come here." Brian reached out to grab her hand and pulled her back on the bed. "I'm sorry."

"I know you're worried about me, but I'm healing and moving on. If I can't snap out of it like I did tonight, I will tell you. You have to trust me."

"You promise me you'll say something?"

She leaned over and kissed him softly on the lips. "I promise."

* * *

"You know, we can find a bigger apartment, move in together, and I can just become a full-time nanny." Jenna suggested as she fed Noah while Olivia cooked breakfast.

Olivia looked up from scrambling the eggs. "Is there something you're trying to tell me?"

"Oh, besides the fact that I want to see how it feels to live with your mom, no."

"Jenna." Olivia said in a warning voice.

"Sorry. I forgot I had to be your dirty little secret. Are you even going to tell people, or am I going to always be known as 'the sitter'?"

Olivia bit the inside of her cheeks and dropped the spatula. "If by people, you're referring to Brian, then yes I will. I'm waiting for the right time."

"You have no problem showing off a child you didn't even give birth to, but when it comes to me, it's different. I'm kept in the dark, and no one knows who I truly am. Is it my dad you're ashamed of? Or are you ashamed of me?"

This topic was a sensitive one for the both of them, and Jenna knew that. However, Olivia understood where she was coming from. "Sweetheart, I could never be ashamed of you or your father. I just can't come out and say I have a child without all the questions and glares. The people that needs to know, knows."

Jenna shook her head as tears threaten to fall. "You just don't get it, mom. My whole life I felt unwanted because I was adopted, then I found you, and thought that feeling would change, but you've only made it worse." She stood up from the table. "You either tell people or I will." She grabbed her stuff and stormed out of the apartment.

Olivia sighed and fell back against the counter. she knew in her heart what was the right thing to do, but emotionally, she couldn't handle any of the backlash that she was going to get.

Apparently, Jenna slamming the door woke Brian out of his peaceful sleep. He stumbled into the kitchen, scratching his head. "Something smells good." He said in his sleepy voice that Olivia loved so much.

"Thank you." She said with a fake smile on her face. She hoped Brian didn't hear anything of what just went on, and he wouldn't notice that something was bothering her. "Can you finish feeding Noah for me? Jenna had an emergency and had to rush out."

"Yeah, no problem, babe." He walked over to table and Noah's eyes lit up.

Olivia resumed cooking and tried to swallow her feelings about what just happened. She knew better than anyone that what's done in the dark, comes to the light, and she only had a matter of time before everyone found out about her life before SVU.

* * *

**Already throwing a plot twist in here :) reviews are nice**


	4. Cycle

**Slight tw for details of injuries sustained during a rape. Just wanted to be careful. Enjoy!**

* * *

"She wants me to to start telling people she's my daughter. I don't think I can handle everyone's judgment."

"Nick has a son he didn't know about with a big time drug dealer's sister, Fin was an absent father, and you think you're going to get judged for placing your daughter up for adoption because you wanted a better life for her?" Cragen said with a smirk on his face.

Olivia smiled a little. Don was right. She was understanding of her co-workers situations, so why shouldn't they show her the same respect? "I'm more nervous about what Brian is going to say. I mean, we broke up because he didn't want the family life, but now he has to deal with me and my _two_ children. I honestly don't think I can handle losing him a third time."

"Well, Liv, if he loves you like you say he does, he will accept Jenna. Is it going to be a shock to him? Of course. Hell, I was shocked when you told me about it the first time, but I got over it, as will he. You have to give people a chance instead of assuming how they're going to feel about something."

"That's just a part of my life that I want to forget." She whispered softly as she fought back tears.

Don reached over the table and grabbed her hands into his. "We all have parts of ours life we could erase, but those are usually the part of our lives that made us the person that we are today."

Olivia sighed. "You're right. I need to do this, for Jenna. She doesn't deserve to be kept in the dark any longer." She squeezed his hands and smiled. "Thank you."

"Anytime my favorite detective, I mean sergeant needs me, I'm there." He smiled. "So, how is the squad?"

Olivia leaned back and slightly smirked. "Good. You know, I feel like I've always been in charge, just without all the paperwork. We have a new kid, Carisi. Young, bright, I can see him going very far."

"Oh, yeah, you did definitely think you were always in charge. Got you in trouble a lot." Don chuckled. "Another new kid, huh? Every year it seems like the squad is getting younger and younger, then you have Fin."

Olivia smiled. "I'm going to tell him you said that. But, no. We were fortunate to get some good rookies. Everyone is on their best behavior, well _trying_ to be."

"Haven't heard about any big scandals so I think you're doing a good job. I'm really proud of you." He said with a sincere look on his face. He knew when he left the force, Olivia would be the right person to take over for him. She had the right personality, and she still had passion for the job, which was a rare thing to see after seventeen years.

She slightly teared up. It had been a rough couple of years for her. From Lewis, to losing Brian, _again, _and becoming a foster mom which lead her to finding Jenna. She didn't know how she was still standing, but she too was proud of herself for getting through it all. "Thank you."

* * *

"Hey, where's Jenna?" Olivia asked as her and Don walked in the apartment. She was surprised to see Brian on the couch holding Noah.

"She said she had an emergency and asked if I could come over and watch Noah until you got home."

"Oh, I'm sorry, Bri. Why didn't you just call me? I would have came home sooner."

"Relax, sweetheart. I had no problem coming to watch him. We had fun." Brian said with a smile on his face. "Hey, Don. You look very relaxed."

"I can say the same about you. Fatherhood looks good on you."

"Ha. Thanks." Brian said a little awkwardly. "Let's go see Grandpa Don." He got up from the couch and walked over to the two. He could tell Olivia had something bothering her, but decided to talk about it at another time.

"Whoa, he has more hair than me." Don joked as he reached out and grabbed Noah.

"Everyone has more hair than you, Capt." Brian laughed before he reached out and grabbed Olivia's hand, brought it to his lips, and kissed her knuckles softly. "Love you."

"I love you, too." She whispered back.

Don couldn't help but to smile as he overheard the couple confess their love for each other. He was glad Olivia had someone like Brian in her life. "You want to hear about how your mom–"

"My son does not need to hear about any of the events that happens at SVU."

"I was just going to tell him about all the times you managed to keep your job, even though you probably shouldn't have." He said in joking tone.

Olivia laughed. "I guess being the Captain's favorite had some perks."

"_Some _perks? I think that's a big perk." He said as he moved to the couch and sat down.

"That's what I said." She smiled and sat next to him.

"Of course." Don looked over at Brian, who was sitting on the arm of the couch. "How's IAB treating you?"

He shrugged slightly. "Besides my boss being the biggest pain in the ass, it's peachy." He said with slight sarcasm.

"Ah, everyone loves them some Tucker. As much as I would love to stay and chat, I have some plans with the lady tonight." He handed Noah to Olivia. "Stay in touch."

"We will." Olivia said.

"It was nice seeing you again, Don." Brian said as he let him out.

"Same to you, Brian. Take care of them for me." He said before he walked out.

Brian closed the door and walked back to the couch. "Everything okay?"

Olivia swallowed hard. She hated how easily Brian could read her. There was no better time than the present to tell him the truth about Jenna. "I have something to tell you." She said in a low voice. She had no idea how he would react, and she didn't want to mess up what they had now.

"What is it?" He asked in a concerned voice while he sat next to her on the couch.

Before she could reply, her phone rang. "Benson?" She was silenting thanking every god for the distraction.

"Liv, we got a vic."

"Where's the scene? I'll be there as soon as Jenna gets here."

Nick chewed on his bottom lip before he replied. "Jenna won't be there. She's the vic."

* * *

"Where is she?" Olivia said running into the hospital. Her worst nightmare had come true. She placed Jenna up for adoption to prevent her from getting hurt, and as soon as she came around Olivia again, she was in danger, again.

"He did a number on her, Liv." Fin said in a quiet tone. He knew who Jenna really was, and knew this was killing Olivia. He had stumbled across the paperwork when he was helping Olivia clean up her apartment after Lewis. Olivia told him the truth, and he vowed to never tell anyone.

Olivia felt the tears sting her eyes and did her best to try to keep calm in front of her coworkers, but she couldn't. Her daughter, was now a victim, just like her, just like her mom. It was like a never ending cycle. "I need to see her." She barely got out.

"Room 134." Fin whispered and moved out the way.

She basically ran down the hallway to her room and tried to prepare herself for the sight, but a parent could never be prepared for what she was about to see. She took a deep breath before she entered the room and she felt her heart literally stop beating when she saw Jenna.

Jenna was barely recognizable as her whole face was swollen and bruised. Her arms were covered was bruises and bandages, and Olivia couldn't keep it together anymore. "Oh, god. I'm so sorry. I should have been there for you."

Images ran through her head as to what could have happened to her, and she felt herself get nauseous. She knew better than to think like this, but she couldn't help it. This was personal.

The nurse walked in unaware that someone was in the room. "Oh, I'm sorry."

Olivia wiped her face and turned around. "It's okay. I'm Sergeant Benson...and her mother."

The nurse's face fell. She had been doing this for ten years, and it still killed her to see things like this. "I'm sorry. I just sent the rape kit results to your M.E. I can tell you, if you would like."

"Yes, please."

"You might want to take a seat, ma'am. I haven't seen an attack this vicious in years." She said trying to sound caring.

"I've been doing this for almost twenty years. I can handle it."

The nurse simply nodded. "She has vaginal and anal tearing. We found semen in the vagina, anal cavity, and her throat. She has bite marks from head to toe, blunt force trauma to the head, and three cracked ribs. Then of course the bruises and scratches covering her. We found DNA under her nails too."

Olivia couldn't even speak. She was supposed to protect her daughter from things like this. She had never felt so sick to her stomach, not even with Lewis. The monster that did this was going to rot in hell for what he did, after Olivia killed him first.

* * *

"His DNA isn't in the system, there's no witnesses, and Jenna is still out. This is a dead end case." Carisi said as the group of detectives sat around the table in front of the TV.

"Thank you, Captain Obvious." Amanda replied bitterly.

"We need to go talk to the parents."

Olivia snapped out of her thoughts. "I'll do it. I'll take Fin with me. Nick, go talk to Warner and see if she found anything else. Carisi and Amanda, go canvas the scene one more time, then dump her phone. She said she had an emergency to tend to this morning. See who was the last person she talked to."

"Got it, Sarge." Carisi said before he grabbed his things, and him and Amanda left.

"We'll get him." Nick said before he walked out.

"Do they know you?" Fin asked once they were alone.

She nodded. "They don't know she's my babysitter, though." She sighed. "God, they're probably going to blame me, and it is all my fault."

"Do not say that. You of all people know that it doesn't matter who you are or where you are. Rapists don't discriminate."

Fin was right, but she wasn't thinking straight right now. Until this monster was caught, she was going to blame herself.

* * *

Olivia took a deep breath before she knocked on the door. Telling parents about their children being assaulted was already hard, but this is different. This is personal.

Richard opened the door with a smile on his face and immediately fell with he saw Olivia. "Olivia?"

"Hi, Rich. Can we come in?"

"Yes, of course." He moved over and allowed them to walk in. "Karen is in the kitchen." He said closing the door. "We haven't heard from you in awhile. How is everything?"

"Good." She simply answered before walking in the kitchen. "Karen."

Karen turned around and smiled. "Olivia! Wow, you look so great. How are you?"

"Pretty good. I need to talk to you guys about Jenna."

Their faces were immediately filled with concern. "Is she okay?"

Olivia closed her eyes and took a deep breath before she spoke. "No. She was attacked earlier today."

"Is she okay? Why weren't we called? What happened?" Karen threw the questions at her back to back.

"She's stable, but she's not awake. We're trying to figure out the details, so can you tell us what she did today?"

Karen fell down on a stool and started sobbing loudly.

"We should have never let her take that damn babysitting job. She's coming and leaving at all different hours of the night." Richard said furiously.

Olivia licked her lips and swayed her weight from side to side. "She was babysitting for me. She didn't know who I was when she applied for the job, but as soon as I saw her, I knew who she was. I waited awhile before telling her I was her birth mom, and she wanted to build a relationship with me. You guys probably hate me, but I am going to do everything in my power to make sure the person who did this will never see the light of day again."


	5. Deja Vu

**I'm pretty sure hell is freezing over. When was the last time I updated so quickly? Lol, um don't hate me, kay :) Trigger warning for rape details.**

* * *

"I told Nick everything I know." Melinda said when she heard Olivia's heels across the floor. She didn't even look up from her paperwork.

"Yeah, I know." She sighed. "This is off the record." She said as she sat down at Melinda's desk. "This is going to come out soon enough, and I thought I should tell you personally. Especially before you run Jenna's DNA."

Melinda had a concerned look on her face as she looked up at Olivia. "What's going on?"

"Jenna is my daughter. Her dad is, well was, a firefighter. He died during a fire in '97."

Melinda couldn't form the words to comfort her friend. She was one of the very few people that was close to Olivia, and she had no idea about this.

Olivia took her silence as a signal to continue. "Uh, we were supposed to get married a few weeks after the fire took place. He wasn't on duty.." Olivia paused as tears filled her eyes. Both of them knew being a cop and a firefighter, that one day that call would come, but Olivia didn't expect it so soon. "God, he was damn dedicated to his job. I tried to make him stay home because I had a bad feeling, but he went. Jenna wasn't even two at this time, and I was planning on going to SVU soon. I couldn't be a single mom and detective, so I picked the selfish route." Olivia let out a full sob.

"Oh, Liv." Melinda knew her friend was strong, but dealing with the death of someone you were going to marry and have a child with is a pain that no one should have to carry around, and Olivia was doing a good job at hiding it.

Olivia needed to get it all off of her chest. She was so tired of carrying this around. "And what has this job done for me? I've been stalked, stabbed, falsely accused of murder, kidnapped, beaten, and sexually assaulted, _twice._" She wiped her tears away. "I thought someone else could give her a better life than me, and she's going through the same thing my mom and I went through, but worse."

"Olivia, you can't blame yourself for any of this. Not his death, not her attack, none of it. We're going to find this sick bastard, and you're going to let go of all this baggage." She stood up from her desk and walked around to comfort Olivia. She hated seeing her in pain, and wished she could do more to help her.

* * *

"Hey, sweetie." Olivia said walking into Jenna's hospital room. "I snuck a strawberry creme shake in here for you." She smiled as she pulled the brown paper bag out of her purse.

"Thanks." Jenna said softly and gingerly grabbed the cup from Olivia. Her jaw was still sore from the attack, so she wasn't eating any solid foods yet.

"No problem." Olivia sat down next to the bed. This was the part of her job that she hated. "I need your statement."

"I d..don't want to think about it." She said fighting back tears. Since she woke up, she kept having flashbacks of what happened and talking about it would make it seem real.

It broke Olivia's heart to see her like this. As a detective, she knew better than to push her, but as a mother, she wanted to know as much as she could to get the person that did this to her. "Honey, I know, but in order to get him so this won't happen to anyone else, we need to know what happened."

"Do you really know? Just because you've been doing this forever doesn't mean you know what it feels like." She snapped and bit her lip as a tear rolled down her cheek. "Can I talk to someone else?"

Olivia swallowed hard and let out a deep breath. "Okay. Whatever you want." She said in a genuine voice. "Male or female?"

"Fin. He just seems more chill than the rest of you guys."

Olivia had to slightly smile. She was right. It's also a coincidence that when Olivia was in this situation, Fin is the only one she would talk to. "He is. I'll go get him. Anything else?"

She made eye contact with Olivia before she spoke. "Does he know?"

Olivia knew exactly what she was talking about and nodded. "He's known for almost two years now. You can tell him anything. I'm in the process of telling everyone else, but unfortunately this is not how I wanted them to find out."

"Well, everything doesn't go as we'd like." She said bitterly.

Olivia just slightly nodded and walked out of the room to find Fin. She walked into the waiting room and saw Nick and Brian. She could feel the tension, and this was the last thing she wanted to deal with. "Call Fin and get him here. She wants to talk to him." She said to Nick.

Nick and Brian ignored her and continued to have their stare-off.

She stepped closer and raised her voice. "That's not optional. It's an order, detective."

Nick looked between her and Brian before he got up and stormed away.

Olivia ran her fingers through her hair and sighed. "What happened?" She asked sitting next to Brian.

"Asked when we got back together and why you gave me another chance. I know it's too early to tell people again, so I wasn't mad that he didn't know, I just want to know why he's always so concerned about who you're dating."

"I don't know, but I will find out." She took a deep breath. She knew she needed to tell Brian now before he heard about it from someone else. "So, earlier I was trying to tell you something, but we got interrupted."

Brian leaned back and looked at her. "Yeah, I've been on edge all day wondering what the hell it could be."

"Sorry." She said softly. "Well, I, um," She was stumbling on her words. She was so afraid of his reaction because they just now we're getting to a good place. "God, Brian I'm so scared this is going to ruin us, and I don't want that to happen, but I can't keep this from you any longer." She confessed.

Every worse case scenario was now running through Brian's head. Was she lying about Noah? Was it really their kid? Did she cheat on him? Lie about something big? "Liv, whatever it is, we can work through it. Just tell me." He pleaded with her. He had never seen her so nervous about talking to him about something before.

"Jenna is my daughter." She said as quickly as she could. She let out the breath she didn't know she was holding. She didn't dare to look at Brian because she knew she wouldn't be able to stomach his reaction.

Brian was doing trying to do the math to see if there was anyway she could be his. "How old is she?"

That wasn't the first thing she expected him to say. "She's not yours if that's what you're thinking, but twenty. Before you ask, her dad is a firefighter that died on the job two years before I joined SVU. I placed her up for adoption and didn't have contact until she became my babysitter." She said hoping she answered all the questions he would have.

"Who else knows?"

"Well, before today, just Cragen and Fin, but Melinda knows now. I haven't told the rest of the squad yet."

He leaned forward and rubbed his face with his hands. "So, you have two kids, which means you're not going to want anymore."

"I never really thought about anymore kids after Noah, and that was before I found Jenna. I guess I didn't think about that." They broke up because Brian didn't want kids, and she knew this time around he was accepting of Noah, because he knew that that her and Noah was a packaged deal. It never once crossed her mind, that he wanted a baby with her still.

"Liv, I have no problem loving them and treating them like their mine. I just, you know I always thought about us having at least one kid together, but I can't get upset if you don't want to, or if we can't. We had a chance, and I messed that up." He grabbed her hand. "And no this isn't going to ruin us. It's shocking, but right now you need to figure out who the hell did this to her. We'll worry about us later."

* * *

"I heard I was summoned." Fin said walking into Jenna's hospital room. He took one look at her and his motivation factor to find this guy was multiplied. Rather she knew it or not, Jenna was family, and no one got away with messing with Fin's family.

She gave him a small smile. "Yeah."

He took a seat next to her bed. "You just talk and tell me what you can remember, and when you say stop, we're done. Got it?"

She nodded. "Yeah." She took a deep breath. She had to face this rather she liked it or not. "I know who did it. It was Leroy Thomas. We were friends in high school, and he stayed with us for a couple of months while his mom got back on her feet."

"Okay. You just made our jobs a helluva lot easier."

"So, that's it, right?" Jenna asked hopefully. She couldn't bare to tell what happened to her. It was too soon and still too fresh.

"I'm sorry, baby girl, but you gotta tell me what this Leroy kid did to ya." And just like with Olivia, he knew hearing the details of the attack was going to send him in a rage. "Take your time, though. Whenever you're ready to talk, I'm ready to listen." He said when he saw her hesitation.

A few minutes went by before Jenna was able to start talking. "He called saying that he needed to meet up with me, and to hurry up because it was an emergency. I was watching Noah, so I had to wait for Brian to get there before I could leave. When I got to his apartment, he was acting normal and just told me that he missed me, but something just felt off. I should have known to leave then, but I couldn't." She paused for a moment, trying to calm herself down as the details all rushed to her at once.

"Breathe." Fin quietly said. "Just breathe and relax."

She composed herself and continued to tell her story. "He always had a thing for me, and I was always rejecting him. I saw him more as my brother. He started getting too touchy and that's when it went downhill. He got mad because I didn't want him, and started to hit and kick me everywhere." She stopped again, to choke on a sob. She didn't even realize that she was crying.

Fin moved closer to the edge of his seat. "Hey, if you need a break, we can take one." He didn't know if he was saying that for her or for him.

"No, I've started. He dragged me into his bedroom, and that's when he forced himself into my mouth. He said if I bit him, he would kill me." She said through tears.

Fuck. Just like Olivia. Fin shifted in his seat and prepared himself for the next part.

"After that, he grabbed me by my hair and threw me on his bed. I stopped fighting him at this point. He flipped me on my back and ripped my pants off. And that's he..he, um, forced himself in me, hard. It was," She paused. She couldn't even say the word, she was so disgusted with herself. "Anal, then vaginal." She cleared her throat. "When he got off, he threw me out." She fell back against her pillow and tried to regulate her breathing.

"We're going to find him." And kill him. He didn't say the last part aloud, but he was thinking it.

* * *

"Leroy Thomas. No priors, not even a parking ticket. Dad is in jail for manslaughter, mom was off and on welfare all his life. He's a teacher by day and an inspiring chef by night. Patrol is at his apartment, but so far no sighting of him."

"They just started back talking a few weeks ago and then he goes and does this. This looks like a case of revenge to me." Amanda said with a sigh.

"If she's right, he's probably at her parents house right now." Nick added.

"Well, he's not going to find them. They're at the hospital with Jenna right now. Nick and Carisi go to the parents' house. If he's there, bring him in, if not, stay there. Fin and Amanda go to the hospital and don't let those three out of your sight. I'll meet you with you guys at the hospital after I check on Noah."


	6. Nothing

**I don't know what's gotten into me, but I like it. Don't hate me :) tw for suicide mention**

* * *

"So, what's the deal with Jenna and Liv? I know it's her babysitter and all, but she's really taking this personal." Amanda said while her and Fin were standing outside of Jenna's hospital room.

Fin knew it wasn't his place to say anything, but he wasn't the type to lie either. "You have to ask Liv. I'm just doing my job." He was hoping that answer would satisfy her.

Amanda looked at Fin strangely and immediately knew he was hiding something. "You guys know her."

"Yeah, we all know her. We're working her case." He said nonchalantly.

"Ass. I mean like you guys knew her before this case. No offense, but when was the last time a vic requested to talk to you? What is going on?"

Before Fin could reply or react, they heard a crash, scream, then two gunshots come from the inside of the room. They barged in with their guns drawn.

Leroy had Jenna at gunpoint. "Put your guns down before I shoot her!"

Jenna had tears running down her face as she looked at the ground at her parents who had blood starting to pool around their bodies. "Please." She pleaded. She didn't think her life could get any worse at the moment. Death was starting to sound better than living through her attack and death of parents. "Shoot me, just shoot me." She begged.

Leroy pressed the gun harder into her head. "Shut up, bitch!"

Olivia ran into the room. "What's‒" Before Olivia could finish her sentence, there was a bullet in her chest.

Fin shot Leroy twice before he ran to Olivia's side. "Liv, damn it! Get a doc in here!" He said putting pressure on her wound.

Jenna fell back against the wall as she saw all the blood covering the hospital room. Four still bodies, and she wanted to be one of them. She leaned over and picked up Leroy's gun. At the same moment, Amanda turned around and saw what she was about to do. "Jenna, no!"

Amanda dived across the room and knocked the gun out of Jenna's hand. They both tumbled to the ground, only landing a few inches from her mom. "My God, kid. You scared the hell out of me."

Jenna's heart was racing as she came back to reality. She was taking deep breaths to try and calm down but she couldn't. She started to hyperventilate and soon passed out.

* * *

"What the hell happened in there?" Brian stormed in with Noah on his hip. He was watching him for Olivia when he got the call from Tucker that there was a shooting they needed to investigate. He felt his stomach turn into knots when he seen both Fin and Amanda covered in blood. "Is she okay?"

Fin sighed and shook his head. "Took a bullet straight to the chest. They won't tell us anything." He said in a shaky voice.

"I..is...is that her blood?" He stammered and pointed to Fin.

He nodded. "She just ran in, and he shot her. Didn't think twice about it." Fin was starting to blame himself. They didn't even bother to think about the fact that Jenna was in a joint hospital room and that there was another entrance.

Brian fell into the nearest chair and took a deep breath. It seemed like Olivia could never catch a break, their relationship could never catch a break. The fact that no one knew how Olivia was doing was killing him. "Is Jenna okay?"

"Besides us, she's the only one that didn't get shot. Both her parents are still in surgery too. Leroy is on his way to see Melinda."

"Good. I hope the bastard rots in hell."

"Wait, when did you and Olivia get back together?" Amanda asked.

"Uh, I guess it's been a couple of months."

"It all makes sense now. Noah wasn't the only guy making her that happy." Amanda smiled. "I'm glad you too are working it out."

"Ha, yeah. Thank you." Brian wanted to smile, but he couldn't find the energy to do so. Olivia was hanging onto life by a thread, and he had just found out about her secret child. Today was just too much for him to handle.

"Detectives." A doctor came out from the double-doors.

All of three got up from the seats and walked over to him. "Just give us the bad news first, doc."

The doctor nodded. "The bullet collapsed your sergeant's left lung and nicked her spine. Right now, it's touch and go for her. Both of the parents will survive, and we sent Jenna to our psych ward."

No one said anything. The only sound in the room was from Noah's babbling. They all cared about Liv in their own special way, and the fact that it was unclear if she was going to make it left an uneasy feeling in everyone's stomach.

"Ca..can we see her?" Brian was the first to speak. He needed to see her whether she was conscious or not. He didn't care how bad she looked, he just needed to be in her presence.

"She's in ICU, so only family can see her." The doctor flipped open her file. "The only family listed here is a Donald Cragen and Odafin Tutuola."

Brian's mouth went dry and he felt his hands start to shake. He sat down in the nearest chair and tried to keep his breathing under control. He tried not to think about the worst case scenarios, but he couldn't help himself. Olivia finally had the family that she dreamed of, and it could be taken away from her just like that. This felt like a strange case of deja vu. When he couldn't see her when they picked her from the beach house after Lewis was done with her. He couldn't even see her in the hospital because she refused to let him see her so weak. He just wanted to be there for her to make up for all the times she was there for him.

"I'll make sure she knows you're here for her. Can her son at least see her?" Fin asked.

The doctor shook his head. "No one under eighteen."

"Jesus freaking Christ, you're going to keep a kid away from his mother? His only parent?" Brian understood why he couldn't see her, but Noah not being able to see Olivia until she was out of ICU was not a good idea.

"Hospital policy. I'm sorry, sir. We're going to do our best to get her healthy again."

Amanda could see that Brian was on the edge and she couldn't blame him. Not being able to see someone you love that is in pain is one of the worst things imaginable. "Hey, Brian, you go clear your mind. I'll take Noah to Nick mom's house. She watches him from time to time, so he'll be okay. Fin will stay here with Liv, while Nick and Carisi wrap this case up, okay? Liv and Jenna are going to be fine. They're going to need you at one hundred percent so they can get back to one hundred percent, though." She grabbed Noah from his grasp who was starting to rub his eyes and doze off.

Brian knew Amanda was right. He had to keep it together for them. "Okay. Thank you." He stood up. "But I will be back. I know I can't see her, but I still need to be close to her." He said before walking out.

* * *

"Really, Liv? You were the only one of us that haven't been shot and you wait until you have not one, but two kids, and a very protective boyfriend. He's out in the waiting room just sitting there because he can't see you, but he needs to be around you. I've never seen that level of whipped before." Fin tried to joke, but his heart was really breaking. He only had a soft spot for a few people, and Olivia was definitely one of them.

"You also need to update your medical information. Cragen and I aren't your only family anymore. You gotta whole squad that wants to make sure you're okay, too." He knew she probably couldn't hear him, but this is the only time that he felt comfortable being vulnerable.

"Speaking of the squad, I gotta run it until you get better, and I don't think I'm ready for that. I mean I rather run it than some ass who thinks he knows everything but still. I'm going to go check up on Jenna after this, then swing by your apartment and get Noah's things. He's staying with Nick's mom, instead of bouncing around between the squad."

Anytime something bad happened to Olivia, Fin was quick to blame himself. He had a perfect shot, but instead he was trying to talk to Leroy. He should have followed his first mind, which is to shoot first ask questions last. It's worked for him this long, and the first time he tried to compromise with a suspect, his best friend gets shot right in the chest.

"Liv, I don't want to think about it.." He shook his head as he felt tears threaten to fall. "But if I lose you, I'm going to go crazy. You know things about me that I wish I could forget. You gotta pull through, man, for your kids, me, Brian, the city. You impacted too many damn lives to leave now."

**xxxxxxxxxxxxxx**

"How are they?" Jenna asked before Fin could even sit in his seat. Since she got up here, all she could think about was rather or not she would be an orphan when she left.

"Your parents are going to pull through. They should be out in a couple of days." He sighed. He knew telling Jenna what was going on was just going to add salt to her very fresh wound, but he also knew if Jenna was anything like Olivia, she was worrying her ass off. "Liv, on the other hand, she's not doing good. They don't know if she's going to make it at this point."

Jenna was numb. On one hand, she was glad her parents were doing better, but on the other, she could be losing her mom. "This is my fault. I shouldn't have went to his house, none of this would have happened. Oh my god." Her breathing started to speed up again and Fin noticed it.

"Hey, hey, hey, stop it. I know you just met her, but Liv is badass. I've seen her take down men twice my size. A bullet is not going to be the end for her. She's going to be down for awhile, but your mom is a survivor, just like you."

She was still going to blame herself no matter what anyone said. No wonder why Olivia gave her up. She was nothing but trouble. "She's going to hate me."

"Never. If anything, she's going to love you more. You're over eighteen and her daughter, so whenever you get out of here, you can go see her. I told them to keep a very close eye on you in here, because we're not losing two family members. Both of you guys are going to make it out of this fine."

Jenna appreciated Fin's concern, but she also questioned it. Plus, why was he one of the few that actually knew about her? "Are you like her best friend?"

"She's like my little sister. We know everything about each other."

That's exactly what she wanted to hear. "So, you know about my dad? Well, my birth dad."

He nodded. He will never forget that night when Olivia became an open book. He had found himself respecting a lot more if that was even possible. "He was a great man from what I heard. However, that's a topic that you need to talk to Liv about."

Of course. No one would ever tell her about her birth dad except that line. She didn't even know if he was dead or alive. "Right. I'm starting to believe he wasn't all that great if no one will even tell me his name."

"I know it's a shitty situation, but it's not my place to share that information." Fin didn't know why Liv hadn't told Jenna about her dad. It's not like he was a bad guy. He died a hero. Unless Olivia was keeping a secret to protect herself from the pain.

"I just want to know about him. What he looked like, sounded like, what traits I got from him, that's it." She said with a frustrated sigh. It was bad enough it took her this long to find her birth mother even with a semi-open adoption, and now she had no idea who her dad could be.

* * *

Brian sat in the waiting room tapping his foot while his mind was going one hundred miles per hour. He just wanted to be in there with Olivia, holding her hand through everything. The only information he could get out of the nurse was that her condition hasn't changed. He didn't know if that was a good or bad thing. He took two bullets to the chest, and he knew Olivia watched him flat-line. Before this, he never could have imagined how she felt those days at the hospital, now unfortunately, he knows.

He doesn't know what he would do without Olivia in his life. He had finally gotten her back, they were finally on the right track to spend the rest of their lives together, and now this. He would trade places with her in a heartbeat and that scared him. He was so in love with her that he rather be on his deathbed than her.

Olivia's doctor came out from the double doors and sighed when he saw Brian sitting in the waiting room. He didn't believe Brian when he said he would sit in the waiting room until he could see her. He knew he would get in trouble for this, but he had to let Brian see Olivia at least once since her condition was so unsure. "Let him back there. Just leave a note for the night nurses that I ok'd it."

The nurse nodded and scribbled a note. "Mr. Cassidy, you can go see her."

You could physically see Brian's mood change. He jumped up from his seat and asked only one question. "What's her room number?"

"215, it's on your right."

Before the nurse could even finish her sentence, Brian was already behind the double doors and down the hallway. It hadn't even been a whole day since the last time he saw her, but he was acting like this was their first meeting in years. He got to her room and stopped. She wasn't going to look like the Olivia he saw earlier today. This Olivia would be weak and fragile. He knew this wasn't the end, though. Olivia was going to get better and stronger.

He walked into the dimly lit room and his eyes immediately went to the many machines that was hooked up to Olivia. This was bringing back too many unwanted memories and feelings for him. Seeing her like this reminded him of his shooting, of Lewis, everything they've been through. He couldn't hold it together anymore. The tears were falling from his eyes and he wasn't going to stop them. "Oh, God, I can't lose you." He sobbed as he fell into the lone chair next to her bed. He rested his head on her thigh and held her hand as he let all his emotions out.

He blamed himself for everything. He wasn't even at the hospital when the shooting happened, but he blamed himself. He could have told her to stay at the apartment a little longer. He could have done something different to prevent this, but he knew in reality that he couldn't. This is just the type of thing that comes with the job.

Only he wishes it was that easy to shrug off. He didn't know when the next time he would see those beautiful brown eyes he could get lost in, hear her voice that has gotten a littler deeper and raspier over the years. He wouldn't know the next time he'll see that smile that could cure cancer, or hear the laugh that could bring world peace. He didn't know anything, and he hated it.


	7. My Dad

**If there are any major mistakes, please tell me. I have a bad habit of updating late at night. Enjoy :)**

* * *

Olivia's eyes begun to flutter as a low moan slipped from her lips. She tried to move, but she was sore everyone, her chest the most. She slowly opened her eyes all the way and searched for what was causing the weight on her thigh. When she saw the top of Brian's head she slightly smiled.

She was trying to remember how'd she gotten here, but her memory was still a little foggy. She could only vaguely remember coming to the hospital, and everything after that was a blur. She swallowed hard and wished she had water for her painfully dry throat. She didn't want to wake Brian up because who knows when he had fallen asleep, but she needed water and wanted to know what happened. She gently shook her leg, just enough to slowly wake him up.

Brian felt something move under him and her slowly started to wake up. He lifted his head and looked up at the brown eyes that were staring at him. His eyes widen. "Liv! You're up." He felt tears prick his eyes as he saw her staring back at him. He knew she wasn't out of the woods yet, but the fact that she was even up was good enough for him at this point.

"Water." She said in a very low and very raspy voice.

He jumped up from his seat and poured her a cup of water. He returned to her bedside and brushed the stray hair out of her face while she drank. "God, I was so worried about you. Don't scare me like this. I'm too old." He softly chuckled.

She smiled. "What happened?" Her voice was still quiet, but less raspy. The water helped her throat a little, but not as much as she would have liked.

"What's the last thing you remember?"

She was quiet for a moment as she gather her last thoughts. "Leaving the apartment to come check on Jenna and her parents."

He sighed and sat on the edge on the bed. "You walked in Jenna's room in the middle of a stand-off and Leroy shot you twice without thinking about it. He also shot Jenna's birth parents, I'm assuming. They're fine, and Jenna is fine. So is Noah." He quickly added knowing that was going to be her next question. "We're just worried about you." He said grabbing her hand.

Well, that was why she was in extreme pain. Of course, she was happy that her kids were okay, but she wished she wasn't in this position at all. "The doctors said?"

"You're pretty much touch and go at this point, babe. You have a collapsed lung, and they said the other bullet nicked your spine, but it doesn't look like it did too much damage."

She laid her head back on the pillow and took a deep breath. She could have died today, hell, she still isn't out of the woods. A couple of years ago, this wouldn't have been a big deal, but she had a family she needed to stay alive for. "I'm sorry." She whispered. She's been in Brian's position when he got shot, and she knows that what he is feeling right now is not a good feeling.

"Hey," he scooted closer to her. "This isn't your fault. You were doing your job and being a mom. No one could have predicted that his would happen. You're going to be okay, and so is Jenna."

"I didn't ask," she paused to catch her breath. Trying to say more than a few words with a collapsed lung was a struggle. "Are you okay..?"

Brian knew what she was trying to say and stopped her. "Yes. The shock has worn off, and I'm sure there's a reason you left that part of your life a secret. This does not change how I feel about you. I will always be head over heels in love with you." He leaned down and kissed her forehead.

It was nice to hear that confirmation, but she still felt guilty about keeping Jenna a secret from everyone. There was nothing to be ashamed of. People placed their children up for adoption, why was she so different? She wished she had the energy to talk, so she simply said, "Okay."

He held her hand. "Let me get the nurse in here to check on you." He pressed the call button. "Are you in extreme pain or still a little high from the morphine?" He smiled.

"Numb. Thank, God."

The nurse walked in the room a few seconds later. "How are you feeling Ms. Benson?"

Olivia raised her eyebrow and looked at the nurse with a _how do you think?_ look on her face. "Peachy." She said sarcastically.

Brian couldn't help but to chuckle a little. He honestly felt bad for the nurse, though, because Olivia was going to be without a doubt, the most stubborn patient the nurse has ever dealt with.

The nurse, Nicole, just softly smiled at the sarcasm. "Well, if your vitals stay stable, you'll be out of ICU by tomorrow afternoon."

"What about her lung?" Brian asked with concern in his voice. He knew even if something was bothering Olivia, she wouldn't say anything. She would constantly tell people that she's fine just so she could leave the hospital.

"We'll have to wait until morning to do more test, but she's obviously breathing fine with just the tube. You can ask your doctor any other questions you have after your results come in." She explained to them briefly.

"And her spine? It's fine, right? Just a nic?"

"Correct. No damage was done. We're just focused on treating that lung."

That was a relief to both of their ears. Olivia just wanted to get out of here as fast as she could. She hated hospitals more than anything.

"Thank you." Brian said.

"No problem. I'm Nicole, the night nurse, just in case Ms. Bensonㅡ"

"Olivia. Call me Olivia."

Nicole nodded and smiled. "Just in case Olivia stays here longer than anticipated."

"Hopefully, not." Olivia quickly said. She would rather be suffering in her own home than at the hospital.

"Someone is eager to leave." Nicole joked. "Well, if you don't need anything, then I'll be leaving. I hope you get better." She said before she left the room.

"How are you really feeling?" Brian asked when Nicole left the room. He knew that she was going to lie her way out of here.

"Like I got shot." She said slightly coughing.

Brian quickly got her some more water and helped her drink it. "Maybe you should stop with the sassy remarks." He said smiling.

She rolled her eyes. "Kiss my ass." She said in a low voice so she wouldn't induce another coughing spell.

"Love you, too." He said before kissing her softly on the lips.

* * *

"How are you feeling?" Jenna asked as she sat in the chair next to Olivia's bed.

"Okay, better now that I can see your face." Olivia sat up slightly in her bed. She had just come back from an x-ray and she was hoping to hear some good news about her lungs.

"Nice." Jenna said awkwardly.

"Let me hear it. I know you're upset."

"I'm not mad. I just want to know about dad." She quickly added. "The truth." She didn't want to hear any false stories about who he was. If she was made from a one-night stand and Olivia didn't know who her dad was, she wanted to know. If Olivia and her dad were mainly in love, she wanted to know.

Olivia slightly coughed before she started talking. "He was an amazing man. You were the biggest daddy's girl ever." She said slightly smiling and remembering how Jenna and Patrick were attached at the hip.

This was the information that Jenna wanted to hear about. She didn't have any memories of her dad, and faint memories of being with Olivia. "Do I act or look like him?"

"You are his twin, and he never failed to rub it in my face."

Jenna smiled for the first time in a couple of days.

"Looks wise, you're all him, but your personality is a mixture."

"What's his name?"

"Patrick O'Connell."

"Jesus, that name screams Irish."

Olivia laughed. "You have no idea. His parents were immigrants. He was the first generation born here."

Jenna felt like she should have been taking notes. She was learning so much and she was loving every bit of it. She smiled. "Explains so much. Do they know about me?"

Olivia nodded. "Wasn't happy when I decided to place you up for adoption, but didn't step and help take care of you." The memories of the constant arguing after Patrick's death filled her mind. She never really had gotten along with his family, but wanting to put Jenna up for adoption was the final nail in the coffin. They called Olivia every name in the book, but no one offered to help her take care of Jenna. She had already felt bad enough about the death and losing her daughter, but she lost the little idea of family that she had left.

"So why did you? Did he agree to it, too?"

Olivia swallowed hard. This is what she didn't want to talk about. She, herself was over Pat's death. Well, that's what she told herself. However, after all Jenna has been through the last couple of days, hearing about her dad dying was the last thing she needed to hear. "The adoption process was finished nine months after his death."

"What?" Jenna's heart dropped. Her worst nightmare was confirmed. She always had a slight feeling that her dad was dead, but she never wanted to believe it. Who would want to believe that their parent was dead? "How old was I?"

"He died a few months before your second birthday." Olivia felt herself start to get emotional. Not because of the death, but because she could see the heartbreak on Jenna's face. She had just finished telling her how great her dad was, only to follow up and say that he was dead. She was never going to get to meet the man that was so much apart of her.

"That's why you gave me up. You couldn't handle being a single mother, but what are you doing now?" Jenna felt herself get angry at Olivia all over again. She was ready to give her the benefit of the doubt, but that all quickly changed.

She expected this. Her decision to place Jenna up for adoption was one hundred percent selfish. She had no way to defend herself because Jenna was absolutely right. She thought she couldn't handle being an SVU detective and a mother at the same time, but that's exactly what she was doing now. "I'm sorry." Olivia said as tears quickly filled her eyes. Jenna was the last person that she wanted to hurt, but it seems like she was only one that Olivia was hurting nowadays.

Jenna jumped up from her seat. "Save it for someone that cares. You obviously never cared about me and will never me love like a mother should." She stormed out of the room before she said what was really on her mind.

* * *

"I messed up, Fin." Olivia quietly confessed later that day. What Jenna had said to her was on repeat in her head.

"We all mess up. I think Ken would have preferred me to give him up for adoption than the shitty job I did as being his father."

Olivia rolled her eyes at his effort of adding comic relief.

He smiled at her. "Listen, Liv, you aren't the same person you were twenty years ago. You weren't ready to be a mom, and you knew that."

"But I was. I loved being a mom when Patrick was around."

"Being a mom and being a single mom is two different things, and I would know because Teresa always made sure I knew the difference. Think back when you started SVU, you think you could have been a mom, too? It's different now. You make your own hours, you're in a better place mentally, and you actually have help with Noah. Would you have help with Jenna?"

Fin was right, but she still couldn't help but to feel guilty. "No." She mumbled.

"Exactly. She's hurt right now. I dealt with the same backlash from Ken. They eventually come to their senses. Give her time to deal with this, and also everything else in her life, and she'll be fine."

"Maybe you're right."

"There's no maybe. I am right." He smirked. "I can talk to her if you want, or even have Ken talk to her."

"Thanks, Fin, but I'll handle this."

"Alright." He stood up from his chair. "I have a squad to go run." He said with the roll of his eyes.

"Don't act like you don't love it." She said laughing.

"I'm only doing this for you. All this paperwork is for the birds."

"I love you, too, Fin." She smiled.

* * *

**Don't you just love Fin and Olivia's relationship? Don't worry, it'll be back to Bensidy centric when Olivia leaves the hospital, I promise.  
**


	8. Mother

**Whoops, sorry for the wait. Um, in my mind, Brian's mom is this sassy mom and I like the name Cecilia more than the name they gave her on the show, so. Anyways, I hope you guys like this chapter. Wait until the end before you decide to kill me or not.**

* * *

"I came as soon as I could." Brian huffed out rushing to the nurses' station. He had just put Noah to bed for the night when he got a call from the hospital saying that Olivia had a wound infection and she was going back into surgery. The worst scenarios were rushing through his head on his way to the hospital and he just needed Olivia to be okay.

"She's still in surgery. I'll let you know any updates as soon as I get them."

"Is she going to make it?" Brian needed some hope to hold onto, because at this point, Olivia's future did not look good.

The pain and concern in Brian's eyes made the nurse's heart shatter a little. She had seen her fair share of grieving spouses, and a lot of the cases had gotten to her, but when it came to cops and their families, she had a hard time keeping it together. "I don't know, sir."

Brian felt like time stood still. He had just gotten Olivia back after losing her for the second time and now he may lose her for good. She had a family, a squad, an entire city that was depending on her. He knew thinking this way wouldn't make anything better, but he couldn't help himself. He couldn't help but to think of everyone's reactions to her death or how he would explain to Noah later on in his life that he lost the person that saved him, literally.

"Brian." Amanda said a little louder this time.

He turned around and shouldn't have been as shocked as he was to see the entire squad standing there.

"You don't have to deal with this alone. We're all afraid of losing her." Amanda admitted. Despite the few problems that they had, Olivia always had Amanda's best interest in mind.

"We have to stick together for her." Nick had his problems with Brian, but after seeing his reaction to Olivia in the hospital, he knew that whatever feelings he had towards Brian were invalid because he truly did love Olivia.

* * *

"What do you mean she may not make it? I can't lose her, too!" Jenna sobbed out. She was feeling all types of emotions, including guilt. The last conversation she had with Olivia had not been the best and now it may be the last conversation that they ever had.

Fin was the one to break the news to Jenna. Olivia's surgery had been successful, but she still hadn't woken up. There were no signs of brain damage, so the doctors had no reason as to why she hadn't woken up yet. "I know things are hard right now, but I know Liv will make it."

"How can you be so sure? You don't know what could happen!" Jenna said with tears running down her face. She didn't even have time to think about what happened to her because of Olivia's unknown condition.

"You gotta have some faith. This is Olivia we're talking about." His words weren't trying to convince Jenna that everything would be okay, but more himself. He couldn't lie, he was scared shitless about what could happen. As a cop, they all knocked on death's door too many times, but Olivia basically opened the damn door.

"She's not invincible, I don't care how much she's overcome in her life. She could die, Fin." Everyone continued to tell Jenna how strong Olivia was and how much of a fighter she is, and in a way it made her proud. Her mom was someone that has gone through so much, and didn't let it her define her. However, if her mom was so strong and so much of a fighter, why did she have to place her up for adoption?

"I know it's a possibility, but where the hell is thinking negatively going to get you? I know you're worried about her, especially because of the situation, but you can't keep your head filled with those thoughts."

Jenna sat back in her chair and crossed her arms. "Oh, the same thoughts that you're thinking?"

"Damn." Fin slightly smirked at the resemblance between Jenna and Olivia in that moment. "You really are your mother's child."

"Oh, no one else tells you when you're being contradicting?"

"Ha! No one but Olivia has ever had the balls except you."

"I'm honored." She said slightly sarcastic. "You're not really all that scary, though."

Fin slightly chuckled. "I'm actually kind of offended." He tried to say in a hurt voice, but his goal was never to come off as intimidating to people that he loved and cared about it.

Jenna shrugged with a smile. "Oops. How is Noah doing?"

"I haven't checked on him today. He's been with Nick's mom, but I'm sure he's missing you and Olivia."

"No, I'm pretty sure he likes his abuela more. He gains at least five pounds when he goes over there." Jenna smiled a little.

* * *

"I miss you, Liv. I was just here and you were fine. Take your time healing. We all just want you to get better." Brian said softly. He had to stop thinking selfishly in this situation. He wanted Olivia to hurry and get better for him and their family, but she needed to get better for herself, no matter how long that took.

"Noah is doing fine from what I heard, but I'm sure he misses the hell out of you. I was planning on talking to Jenna tomorrow about everything. I don't know how you'll feel about that, but I think it's something that we need to do." Now that Jenna was more than just the babysitter, Brian knew that he needed to establish his own personal relationship with her. She was the daughter of the love the love of his life and despite how she got here and that she was a secret, he wanted to accept her as much as he could.

"Nick is actually being cordial with me. I hope this lasts even after you get out of the hospital." Brian never had a personal problem with Nick, except he always was out of line when it came to Brian's and Olivia's relationship. He got that they were partners, but everything wasn't his business. It also didn't help that they first time they met, Brian punched the hell out of him, along with the countless times Nick cornered him in the bathroom. It was a weird relationship indeed.

Brian went silent as he couldn't think of anything positive to say. He didn't know if Olivia could hear him or not, but if she could, he didn't want her to know that he was struggling without her. Even in these circumstances, Brian knew Olivia could and would stress out over everyone stressing out over her.

His phone ringing brought him out of his thoughts. It was his mom. He had been avoiding her calls for the last couple of days due to being in and out of the hospital with Olivia, but knew if he didn't talk to her soon, she would send a search party after him.

"Hey, ma." He said in a voice that he thought would mask his stress and sadness, but mothers knew better.

"Brian! Gosh, I'm glad you're alive. You keep ignoring your mother like that, and I'm going to kick your ass."

"I love you, too, ma." He said with a real smile on his face.

"Are you okay? Is your boss still making you work crazy hours?"

"I wish. Olivia was shot. I've been at the hospital most of the time."

She gasped. "Oh, no! How is she doing? Brian James Cassidy, why didn't you tell me? You know she's the daughter I never had."

His mom was right. When Olivia and him decided to got together the second time, his mom and Olivia had truly fallen in love with each other. He was sure his mom was more hurt than him when they broke it off. When he told his mom that they were giving their relationship one last chance, she had threatened to kill him if he messed up again. Telling his mom about the shooting completely slipped his mind.

"Sorry, ma. Just been under a lot of stress, and I didn't even think about it."

"You probably haven't eaten in days. I'm bringing a plate of my lasagna up to the hospital tomorrow and to see Olivia. Don't keep secrets like this from me."

He didn't even have the energy to fight with her. "Yes, ma'am."

"Love you, Bri."

"Love you, too." He said hanging up the phone.

* * *

"Do you know?"

"Yup. She told me the day of the shooting." Brian answered. "I just thought that we should sit down and have a talk."

"What is there to talk about? I was raped, found out my dad is dead and my mom is hanging onto life by a thin thread all in a week!" Jenna said with fake enthusiasm.

"Okay, I deserved that." This was a different side of Jenna he was seeing, but he could definitely see the apple didn't fall too far from the tree.

"Listen, if you're trying to step up to fulfil the 'stepdad' role, you can stop now. We don't need to have a relationship. I'm almost twenty-one. It's a little too late for that." She said harsher than she intended. She just didn't see the point of this conversation. Brian was a good guy, and she liked him because he obviously made Olivia happy, but they didn't have anything to talk about.

"You're right. I guess I just wanted to let you know that I know who you really are and-"

"And that you don't have a problem with it?" She finished for him because she was one hundred percent sure that's what he was going to say.

He shrugged. "You're right. You and Noah are her children, and I know you're an adult, and don't need an extra father-figure in your life. I just wanted you to know that I'm here for you regardless of what you're going through with Liv."

She had to give him his props for _trying_ to have a separate relationship with her, but she just didn't see a need for it, especially right now. Maybe when her mind was more clear, she would be able to have the talk that he wanted to have. "When you guys first met at SVU, did she even mention having a child or being engaged?"

Brian rubbed his chin nervously before he answered the question. He didn't want Jenna to be anymore upset at Olivia then she already was, but he couldn't lie to her. "No. I didn't even know she was engaged until now, but it definitely would explain why she wasn't ready to have a relationship with me. I mean she had some pictures of her with a baby in her apartment, but I just figured it was family. You never left her mind like you might think you have."

"It sure feels like it." Jenna said in a somewhat defeated voice. More and more people were telling her that Olivia never stopped caring about her, but she was having a hard time believing it, especially since Noah was in the picture. She could never hate Noah, if anything she started to love him more when she found out that Olivia was her birth mom, so they were technically siblings. She was just jealous of him in a way. He would always know Olivia to be his mom and even though he was adopted too.

"Olivia loves you, a lot. She didn't tell me the whole story about the adoption, but I'm sure it wasn't easy for her. You have every right to still be upset at her, but just don't hold it over her head forever."

* * *

"Olivia, you and Brian are trying to put me in an early grave, I swear. First he gets shot, and now you." Brian's mom, Cecilia said with her arms crossed and a concerned look on her face.

Olivia's infection was healing and they moved her out of ICU again hoping that she would only get better. She had woken up the night before for a few minutes, but went right back to sleep. Brian had told her that his mom was coming to visit and she promised to be up for that before she drifted back into a slumber.

Olivia slightly smiled. "Sorry." She whispered. She was taking it beyond easy, because she wanted to be out of the hospital more than anything right now.

"Don't be sorry, just get better. You know I care about you a lot and hate to see you in any pain."

"I know." Olivia loved that her and Cecilia were close. It was nice to have a mother-daughter relationship with someone no matter how old she was.

"Good. I'll get going now so you can rest. If you guys need anything, just let me know."

"Actually, ma, if you could watch Noah for a couple of days, that would be great. Nick's mom could use a break, and Jenna is still recovering."

"Of course I will! I've been waiting to meet him." She said with a huge smile on her face. All she ever wanted was to have grandkids and even though Brian and Olivia weren't married, Noah was her grandson in her eyes.

"He's a handful, ma."

"He is." Olivia chuckled softly, but ended up sending herself into a coughing spell.

Brian handed her the cup of water and helped her drink it until her coughs stopped. "You okay?" He asked looking her directly in the eyes to be able to detect any pain she was really feeling and if she was going to tell him a lie.

She nodded, feeling slightly vulnerable by his stare. She hated being waited on hand and foot, but she knew it was something that she would have to get used to for the next couple of weeks.

"Okay." He said before turning back to his mom. "I'll tell Nick to tell his mom that you're picking up Noah."

"Thank you, Cec." Olivia said reaching over and softly grabbing her hand. The action said more than she could say in the moment.

"You guys are very welcome. I'll see you two later, love ya." She said before leaving the room.

"I love her." Olivia said looking over at Brian.

"I do too." He grabbed Olivia's hand and kissed it softly. "Are you okay, though?"

"Mhm." She replied. "Just sore." She paused to take a breath. "And tired."

"Get some rest, babe. I'll be here when you wake up."

"Love you." She said with her eyes already struggling to stay open.

"Love you, too, Liv."

* * *

**I PROMISE Olivia is fine now. No more complications, I swear. Review here or on twitter (queenimance)**


	9. No Communication

**JFC, it's been a long time since I updated. I apologize about that. This is a little short chapter just to hold you over. Enjoy!**

* * *

After spending another week in the hospital, Olivia was finally discharged, and she couldn't have been any happier. Both her infection and actual bullet wounds were in the last stages of healing, but she still needed to take it easy. She was going to have to do rehab for the collapsed lung for the next couple of months to get back in shape.

The real torture of healing was starting now, though. Even though she was out of the hospital, she was far from being cleared to work again, even if she was sitting behind her desk most of the time. Because of the extent of her injury, 1PP sent in a replacement for her for the time being. She could hear the sigh of relief Fin had taken when he told her about the replacement.

"How you doing, baby?" Brian asked walking in the bedroom with her dinner and a water bottle.

"Just still sore and bored."

He chuckled a little. "You'll be back to work in no time. I'm sure the squad will be giving the replacement hell, and they will be begging you to come back no matter how you're feeling."

"I hope so." She said grabbing the takeout box from him. "When are you going back to work?"

"Tucker told me to stay away until you're better."

Olivia raised a brow. "When did he get a heart?" When Brian had first started working with Tucker, it felt like Tucker was doing everything in his power to keep them two apart, and now he was ordering Brian to stay home with her until she felt better.

Brian smiled. "He's dating someone now, so I guess that has a lot to do with it. Blue balls can really affect a man more than people think." He said laughing at himself.

"Ed Tucker has a girlfriend? I never thought I would see the day." Olivia said taking a bite into her food.

"I didn't either, but she's softening him up, so I'm not complaining." He said with a shrug of the shoulders.

"How are you?" She asked him seriously. So much had happened over the last couple of weeks, and if they were going to do this relationship thing right this time, they needed to communicate with each other.

"I'm good, Liv." He said with a convincing smile on his face. Was he really okay? No, but he would be. Right now he was more focused on Olivia getting better. He could worry about himself later.

"No, you're not. Brian, talk to me. I promise I can handle it."

This wasn't their first rodeo, and after knowing each other for so long, they were pretty transparent at this point. "Reality really hit me. I could've lost you. I just feel like nothing bad happens to you until I come around, and then I can't even protect you when you are in danger."

She placed her carton of food on the nightstand before she turned to talk to him. "Hey, I walked into that bullet. You can't blame yourself for any of this, including Lewis. I made it out, and when you were around, you were being a pain in the ass to the squad to find me. I feel more than safe with you."

"Do you really?"

"Yes, Brian. Right now, I feel like nothing can happen to me with you by my side." She could understand why his "manly pride" was low on the scale. She was a very independent woman, and Brian let her control the relationship. "You will always be my knight in shining armor, even if I don't need to be saved. Your arms are the safest place in the world to me."

"You overdid it, Liv." He said with a smile on his face, but he was glad that she was willing to do anything that would make him feel better.

She softly chuckled, not too much because she still runs out of breath quickly these days. "But did you get the point?"

He leaned over and kiss her forehead. "Yes. I love you."

"I love you, too."

* * *

"You're supposed to be in bed." Jenna said answering the door.

"I needed to come see you." Olivia said walking in. "Are your parents home?"

"Yes. Follow me." Jenna said walking down the hallway towards the living room.

Olivia followed her down the hall and prepared herself for whatever her parents were going to say to her. She had blamed herself for everything that happened one hundred percent, and would understand if they never wanted her to be around anymore.

"Hello, Olivia." Rich said in a cold voice.

She sighed. They weren't hiding their true feelings at all, and she honestly couldn't blame them. She decided to just be completely straightforward with them about her thoughts instead of beating around the bush, and possibly making things worse. "I want to say that I'm sorry for everything that has happened lately. I shouldn't have given Jenna the job. I completely understand if you don't want her to see me again. There was a line drawn, and I crossed it. I just hope that you guys, including Jenna, will be able to forgive me."

"We appreciate you coming over to apologize, but we do think it would be better if you cut all contact with Jenna. Everything was going fine until you came around."

Jenna whipped her head to look at her mom and had tears already welling up in her eyes. "Mom! That's not fair. I'm an adult! You can't make those decisions for me."

Olivia felt like she was punched in the stomach, but she expected it. If the shoe was on the other foot, she would do the same thing. It wasn't safe for Jenna to be around her, and she knew that. "Jenna, it's okay. They are just doing what's best for you." Olivia said trying to hide the pain in her voice. Of course it hurt, but she could only blame herself. When she first realized that Jenna was hers, she should have fired her. Olivia was the one to cross the line and this was all her fault.

"No, it's not okay! How is not letting me see her going to help me? These have been the happiest months of my life because I found out who my birth mom was. I'm not going to stop talking to her, and I'm not going to stop working for her. This is my life, and I can decide what I want to do with it." She said before she stormed out of the room.

Olivia sat there awkwardly as Karen and Rich had stunned looks on their faces. Jenna was an adult, but these were her parents, and if they didn't want Olivia around her it was something she would have to respect. Regardless of what Jenna thought, Olivia was going to be the mature one and make sure that all communication was cut between her and Jenna. "I've already been looking for a new nanny and I will make sure we don't talk. If this is what you guys want, I can only fulfill your wishes. I'm sorry for the strain I've put on your family." She got up from the couch. "I'll get going. Tell Jenna that I love her and that I'm sorry for everything that I've done to her."

* * *

"I mean can they do that? They can stop you from communicating with her?" Brian asked.

"Just because I gave birth to her doesn't mean that I have any rights to her. I lost that ability when I signed the adoption papers." She bit down on her bottom lip to stop the tears. As much as she understood why Karen and Rich made the decision that they did, it still hurt her.

Brian genuinely felt bad for her. She had finally told everyone about her past and as soon as it came to light, Jenna was snatched away from her. "Is there anything I can do for you?"

She shook her head. She hated that she allowed herself to get close to Jenna. She knew it was a bad mistake from the start but she couldn't help herself. "I just have to get over it. I still have Noah and that's all that matters right now." As much as it killed her to have to step away from Jenna again, she had another child to focus on, and she couldn't forget that.

Brian softly sighed as he realized that she was putting her walls up. It seemed like anytime they were with each other, they had a traumatic event to try to work through and never got to just enjoy being with each other without trying to heal from something else. "Okay." He kissed her forehead and wrapped his arms around her tighter. He knew that if he said anything else, it would lead to an argument and that's the last thing she needed on her plate right now.

"I'm sorry." She said feeling herself already start to become distant. She knew she could be too independent at times, and now that she had Brian supporting her, she didn't need to be so damn independent. She had someone that was willing to share the burden with her sometimes. It was just something that she was going to have to get used to.

He was actually glad that she noticed that she was pulling away from him. It showed that she really was trying to change and that's all that mattered to him. "Liv, I can't even imagine what you're going through right now, and I'm not going to pretend that I do. I just want you to know that you don't have to hold this all in and deal with it yourself. I love you."

Olivia looked up at him and smiled softly. She was happy that she decided to give them another go, and this time around, she wasn't going to let him go. "I love you, too."

* * *

"Thanks for meeting me." Jenna said as she slid in the booth across from Fin. It had been two days since her parents said that she couldn't see Olivia, and she had locked herself in her room. Olivia hadn't even tried to contact her and that's what hurt the most.

"You're my family. Anything you need, I got you."

"Thank you. I can see why Liv depends on you so much." She said with a soft smile on her face.

"Everyone could use a Fin in their life." He smiled. "So, what's going on?"

Jenna sighed. "My parents do not want Olivia in my life anymore, and they told this to her. Of course, her being Olivia, she listened. I don't know why my parents think this is any of her fault, and separating us is just going to make my situation worse. That's why I called you. I felt like I was going to do something stupid, and I needed to get out of the house."

"That's dumb. You're an adult. You can do whatever you want." He knew the two of them had just recently re-entered each other's lives, but Olivia was her mom just as much as her other parents. Now it made sense why Olivia had been ignoring him the last couple of days.

"Their house, their rules." She said with an eyeroll. Not only did they pull her away from Olivia, but they also got her fired from her job.

"Then come move in with me until you can get on your own feet. You have the right to do whatever you want, and if they can't understand that, you shouldn't be around them in the first place. I know they're your parents and all, but all parents aren't good parents."

"No way. I couldn't ask you to do that for me." It was a good offer, she had to admit. She would finally be out of her parents' house and she could be able to build a relationship with Olivia.

"That's why you didn't ask, I offered. Listen, I know this is affecting Liv just as much as it's messing with you. Just think about it."

* * *

**I think it's kinda funny that I wrote the lines about Tucker before Tuckson was a thing and now I'm puking bc it's a thing. Anywaysssss, reviews are nice on here or twitter (queenimance)  
**


End file.
